A parent’s guide to understanding behaviours of concern as communication and responding with clarity, compassion and confidence.
When we begin to see our children’s behaviour as a communication of their needs then everything changes. Instead of asking “What is wrong with my child?”, or “What I doing so wrong here?” a more helpful question becomes “What is this behaviour trying to tell me?”
Seeing behaviour in this way does not excuse the challenges are happening, or dismiss the need for safety. Instead, it recognises that behaviour has meaning. Behaviour often becomes the clearest way a child can communicate when they are overwhelmed, scared, overstimulated or unable to use words in that moment.
We have all had the experience of having an argument but being unable to form the words coherently at the time. Over time, once we have calmed down, we realise all the things that we could have said to get our point across. This inability to think and talk clearly happens when we get stressed and angry, because the brain priorities those parts of it which are directly related to our threat defence. Talking clearly and rationally is not one of those things!
This same phenomenon happens quickly for our children too. For many neurodivergent children, especially those with autism, ADHD or learning disabilities, speech and reasoning capacity collapses during time of distress. In these moments, communication becomes fragmented or blocked. However, the underlying need remains. Therefore behaviour steps in to speak for them.
Unfortunately, this is the time that they most need to be heard, but we are often not in the position to hear the need as we are concentrating on the behaviour instead. When adults begin to understand the message underneath the behaviour, they can respond in ways that reduce escalation, improve connection and help everyone feel safer.
This article explores how to understand behaviour more deeply, using ideas such as slow and fast triggers, the ABC model, functions of behaviour, co-regulation and the creation of capable environments. The aim is not perfection, but more calm, more understanding and more small changes that make daily life gentler for both you and your child.
Start with “What” and “Why”
Making an assessment starts with two questions:
What is happening and Why is it happening?
The “what” involves observing your child’s behaviour clearly: what they did, how long it lasted, how intense it was and what you could see. I have met with countless parents who express that the behaviour seems to come from nowhere and all happen at once. Seemingly moving from 0-100 in a moment. So, spending time unpicking the behaviour and mapping it out sequentially can be extremely beneficial to see how the behaviour escalates, even in over a very short period.
The “why” looks at context: what happened beforehand, which needs were unmet, how tired or overwhelmed your child was, what sensory input was present and what the behaviour might have been trying to achieve.
Parents often describe a sense of relief when they shift from reacting to understanding. This change helps reduce blame, increases curiosity and creates more space for problem-solving.
Slow and Fast Triggers
Behaviours do not come out of nowhere, normally a slow trigger sets the scene – think about being tired, hungry or thirsty. They make it more likely that fast often small triggers will lead to behaviour. In my own life I had toothache recently (slow trigger) and everything seemed more difficult and frustrating, meaning that when my phone battery died (fast trigger), I became much more annoyed than if I was not in pain already. Fast triggers are the immediate moments that push things over the edge.
Parents sometimes say “But nothing happened!” The truth is that a lot happened—slowly. Once slow triggers are stacked high enough, a small fast trigger can lead to a big reaction. Understanding this helps you plan breaks, reduce demands at key times and support smoother transitions.
The ABC Model
The ABC model stands for Antecedent–Behaviour–Consequence.
Antecedent (triggers): What happened right before the behaviour? These are often known as ‘fast triggers’ and can often be small. Eg ‘I asked how school was’ or ‘the ipad battery died’.
Behaviour: What did your child do? Be very specific – use phrases that describe the behaviour that are observable, rather than categorical descriptions ie she threw the TV remote at the wall, causing it to break, or she ran over to me and bit my leg causing it to bleed and leave a bruise. These are clear descriptions, rather than labels, such as ‘she kicked off’, or ‘she had melt down’.
Consequence: What happened immediately after? This gives information about the behaviour is likely to achieve. Ie ‘we left the shop’ or ‘we put the TV on’.
Over time, completing ABCs helps you spot patterns. You may notice that certain behaviours end overwhelming situations, help your child escape demands, draw attention or provide sensory stimulation. These patterns are not manipulative. They reflect needs being met in the only way available to your child at that moment.
Once the pattern is clear, it becomes easier to prevent escalation rather than reacting during crisis.
The Threat Response leading to Crisis
When children move into fight, flight, freeze or fawn, their nervous system becomes overwhelmed. Their ability to think clearly, talk calmly, reason or problem-solve drops dramatically. This is not a choice. It is a biological response to threat.
In these moments, children cannot learn or reflect. They need safety, calm and connection. Helpful approaches during these times of crisis include reducing the demands, using fewer words, softer tone, slower movements, more physical space and fewer demands. Once calm returns, you can revisit what happened – if necessary. Before then, the thinking part of their brain is simply offline.
After a crisis, your child’s nervous system remains fragile. Keep expectations low, offer recovery time and maintain predictability. Rushing the process can trigger a second escalation.
How Lingmell Psychology Services Can Support You
At Lingmell Psychology Services, we understand how overwhelming it feels when your child communicates through behaviour. You do not have to decode these moments alone. Our work focuses on helping you understand the “why” beneath behaviour so you can respond in ways that feel calmer, clearer and more connected.
We offer structured, compassionate support that includes functional behaviour understanding, personalised behaviour support plans and parent coaching to help you respond in ways that de-escalate and build connection and provide concrete strategies to manage the challenges.
Just as importantly, we offer emotional support for you as a parent or carer. We help you challenge self-criticism, understand your own stress responses and feel more confident in navigating difficult moments. Our approach is supportive, collaborative and grounded in the belief that children do well when they can—and parents do well when they are supported.